if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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