no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
My nipple is on Facebook.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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