Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
