i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Bring me that man meat
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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