drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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