I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
