i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
