Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
