i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
