those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Randomize
