Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
