When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
