The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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