I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
