So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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