It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
