If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
