Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
