dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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