Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
