i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
