New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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