I am midnight drunk by noon
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him