Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again