If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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