a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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