McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
