just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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