I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
