i think my tv is drunk
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
