Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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