That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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