guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
