k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
