apparently the secret to your success is patron
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He felt like a one man threesome
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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