Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
