can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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