Jerry, you need to find god
I met the friendliest cop last night
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
