Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
