I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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