i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
