bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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