R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
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So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
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That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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