I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
