We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
