so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
