If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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