Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
