In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
