I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
