Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
