i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
