y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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