dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She said her name was "party"
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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