I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
