I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
