I have demons in me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
