We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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